


Sleepless nights

by StarScreamLoki



Category: Loki - Fandom, Loki MCU, loki marvel
Genre: Death, Gen, Hurt Loki (Marvel), Hurt/Comfort, Insomnia, Jotunn Loki (Marvel), Loki Feels, PTSS, Starvation, Torture, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-03
Updated: 2018-06-03
Packaged: 2019-05-17 15:43:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14835152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarScreamLoki/pseuds/StarScreamLoki
Summary: In the wake of all the traumas Loki has been through, he finds himself struggling to get any sleep. Sometimes going days without rest.Extra warning: the story has implications of insomnia, PTSS, death.





	Sleepless nights

**Author's Note:**

> **Imagine** : [In the wake of all the traumas Loki has been through, he finds himself struggling to get any sleep. Sometimes going days without rest. ~~Enter y/n. Your kindness and soothing aura put him at ease and help him get some sleep. You have to leave on a long trip/mission and during it notice your fav shirt is missing. You return to find Loki curled up sound asleep hugging onto it. Turns out the trickster really missed you when you were gone. Even if he’s too proud to admit it.~~](http://imagine-loki.tumblr.com/post/173423565673/magine-in-the-wake-of-all-the-traumas-loki-has)
> 
> So, as the imagine suggests, Loki has been through trauma and now he can’t sleep. I strayed far from the original imagine, only using the first two sentences as a guideline for the story. The story is dark and sad, but the ending might surprise you ;-)

For the hundredth time Loki switched to his other side while lying in bed and looked at the clock. The clock was a weird device from Midgard, but one he liked and he had brought one to Asgard to put on his nightstand. At first the soft green glow had comforted him but after three weeks the thing slowly had started to turn into an enemy, constantly reminding him of how little sleep he got. Time was a weird thing...

It had been over a month since the events with Thanos, and frankly, he couldn't quite remember what exactly had happened that had brought him, and Odin and Frigga, back to life. 

Well, he wasn't actually sure if he just couldn't remember because he had died, or his memory malfunctioning due to a lack of sleep. Come to think of it, he couldn't remember anything that had happened after Thanos killed him almost six weeks ago.

Sleep. Loki wanted to sleep but he couldn't. Everytime he closed his eyes the nightmares would come for him. Nightmares so bad that they felt real and he'd wake up screaming, or worse, choking. 

The nightmares were always the same, he either dreamed he was falling into an abyss, being pierced with the sword protuning from Kurse, or Thanos choking the life out of him. And all of them ended with him dying, reliving his painful deaths over and over again.

Eventually he just had refused to sleep, further taking its toll.

 

Loki rolled to his back and winched because the movement was painful. Sleep is a curious thing, if you don't get enough of it, your body will start to destroy itself. Slowly at first, but then the pace will pick up and before you knew it you wouldn’t be able to do anything anymore except for lying in agony, wishing you were dead. 

And Loki's body had been destroying itself for weeks now. At first his muscles had started to ace, then he slowly lost his strength and hardly could get out of bed. At that point he hadn’t been able to eat properly as well, his stomach constantly rejecting the food. Eventually he had reached the point where he had stopped eating as well, even further draining him from his strength.

The maids still brought him food because he had requested so weeks ago. They were the only ones allowed into his chambers and only allowed to bring him food, nothing else, no conversations. And every day he would put up an illusion of himself just walking through the room or staring out of the window, whatever he could think of and could muster to do. But creating the illusions got more difficult each day and he didn't know how long he would be able to keep it up. 

Loki closed his eyes. 

 

Apparently he had fallen asleep because the next thing he knew was that he was sitting up in bed, screaming, cold sweat trickling down his back. 

Slowly he fell back into his pillow, his chest still heaving rapidly. He looked at the clock. He'd only slept for half an hour and in that half hour he had been pierced by Kurse in his dream. Dying again.

Suddenly Loki was feeling very cold and within mere seconds he was shivering. He tried to curl up in his blankets but he still kept shivering. Each shiver was accompanied by a burning pain in his muscles. Unnoticed his teeth had started chatter, further feeding the pain in his body.

Loki was never one to feel fear, but at this point that feeling slowly started to creep into his heart. It felt the same as the moment the frost giant had grabbed his wrist and his skin turned blue, betraying his true heritage. 

Then something unexpected happened, all of a sudden his skin turned blue and Loki lay there in his Jotun form. He didn't know how it was possible for him to take on this form without the Casket of Ancient Winters, or without being touched by a frost giant, but he had felt the transformation. Slowly he stopped shivering and the release from the pain brought by the shivering gave him some room to breathe.

His thoughts raced through his mind but it came all back to one question: how was this possible? Could he summon his Jotun form by thinking about it? Really wanting it? Or did his body just kicked itself into survival mode? 

He actually felt comfortable, not too cold, not too warm. He slowly turned to his side again, the movement still paining his body. He was finally able to control his breathing and he closed his eyes, the fear leaving his heart.

Then his body temperature started to rise and soon he threw of the blankets. Sweat started to trickle over his forehead. He rolled to his back and he was breathing heavy again. The heat in his body started to rise and soon he was covered in sweat, head to toe. The heat started to become unbearable and his sheets were soaking wet. Suddenly his eyes flung open and he felt like his skin was on fire. The fear was back. 

What was happening to him? The burning in his skin seeped through too his muscles and his muscles started to contract. This involuntary movement also made his body scream in pain. Just as Loki thought he couldn't take it anymore, he felt a prickle through his body and he shifted back to his Aesir form. Slowly the heat started to diminish and he could breathe again.

What was happening? How was this possible? Why couldn't he control these shiftings? Then he started to shiver again and dread filled his heart. Soon he would be shifting to Jotun form again. 

Loki rolled to his side, the shivering getting worse until he was chattering uncontrollably again. Before he couldn’t take it anymore his body shifted to Jotun form. Now the heat would start to rise again.

The time between either being to cold, or to hot, seemed to become less and less, and each time his form changed. He could've handled that if it wasn't for the fact that the shiftings now also hurt, stinging his skin everywhere every time.

There Loki lay, rolled up into a ball, his forms shifting rapidly and uncontrollably, paining him and filling his heart with anger, fear, but above all, despair.

 

Loki didn’t knew how long he had lain there, but he was sure sleep wouldn’t ever come to him again, not in this agony.

He stared out the window where he had seen the sun set and rise again while his body shifted and shifted. Morning came and a knock on his door lifted him from his contemplation. Probably the maid to put a tray of food on his table. He had to summon an illusion but he felt deprived. He wasn’t able to keep this up forever and eventually somebody would find out, see him like this.

The knock came again. Loki summoned his will and tapped into what felt like the last of his strength, and summoned an illusion.

“Yes”, he said, his voice raspy and barely hearable.

The door opened and a maid with a tray of food entered his room. She looked at Loki wearily, not sure what his mood was today. To the maid it looked like Loki was just sitting on the end of his bed, eyeing her every movement. She picked up the tray from yesterday and put down the other. The tray from yesterday was still full of food, not a single bite taken. Loki just hadn’t had the strength to eat anything yesterday, so everything was untouched. With concern she looked at Loki and back at the tray.

“My prince, you haven’t touched anything on the plate. Was the choice of food not to your liking? Is there anything I should pass on to the cook?”.

Loki sighed internally. He didn’t want to talk, didn’t have the strength and he had instructed the maids not to talk to him, so why was she? He made his illusion smile to the maid. “It was fine”, he said, his voice harsh but still rasping.

The maid took a step back in shock when she heard Loki speak. She made a small bow.

“Anything else I can do for you my prince?”

“Leave”, Loki said with as much cold in his voice as he could muster. But as he spoke the words, his illusion flickered and the maid saw Loki’s true state. It was just a second, but it was enough.

To her credit she didn’t drop the tray as a gasp escaped her lips. Before she could say another word Loki screamed at her, “LEAVE!” He was barely able to keep the illusion from wavering. The maid jumped, taken aback by his sudden outburst and quickly left the room. Not a second to late because Loki’s illusion fell, not being able to keep up any longer.

He already feared something like this would happen and soon someone would be entering his room wanting to help him. Another maid, staff, a healer, someone. And all he wanted was to be alone. Alone in his pain, in his fear, his despair.

Painfully his form shifted again, back to Aesir. He hadn’t even noticed in which form he’d cast the illusion and that the true Loki the maid had seen had been his Jotun form. This couldn’t get any worse.

 

Deprived of the strength it had taken to summon the illusion, Loki fell asleep. This time his nightmare was about Thanos and soon Loki woke up again, choking and coughing. His heart was racing and he tried to calm down. When his heart finally stopped trying to find a way out through his chest, and he was calm again, his vision started to come back again.

Blurry at first and he saw a figure at the end of his bed. When the world came into focus he saw it was Frigga. Desperately he tried to summon an illusion, anything for her not to see him this way, but his attempts failed.

“Don’t”, Frigga said, a sadness in her voice.

Loki stopped his attempts and just looked at his mother, not saying a word. He just didn't have the energy anymore, nor the willpower.

“I hear your screams every time you wake. I feel your fear and I see your despair. No more Loki, let me help you”, Frigga said with a tremor in her voice. 

Loki sighed and squeezed his eyes shut as a wave of agony rolled through him as he shifted form again. He opened his eyes and looked at his mother; he weakly nodded.

Frigga got up, went to stand by his bedside and stretched her hands, palms down, above him. Loki felt the warmth of her magic wash over him and automatically his form started to shift. Suddenly the shift of his form came to a halt and he was left with a weird prickling feeling all over his skin. He carefully turned his head to look at his mother who was in utter concentration. Suddenly she released her magic and a gasp filled with shock left her lips. Tears formed in her eyes as she looked at her son lying there, broken. 

“What?” Loki weakly muttered. 

“I… I have never seen anything like it. I didn't know… I just…”. A tear rolled down her cheek and Frigga grabbed the nightstand, slowly falling to the floor. More tears followed. 

Loki probed himself up a little, trying hard to ignore the pain and his body screaming he shouldn't make such a movement.

“What did you see?” he asked with a raspy voice, every worth taking great effort.

“There is nothing I, or anyone, can do”, Frigga said between sobs. “There is…”, another sob. “There is a shard of Infinity Stone lodged in your brain. I couldn't possibly get it out without killing you. And it is the thing that is killing you.”

A fake and pained laugh escaped Loki's lips and he directly had to pay for that with coughs. He eased himself back into the pillow. Was this how his life truly had to end? No more escapes this time? No more tricks? Killed by a shard of an Infinity Stone! 

“Show me”, Loki demanded.

Frigga grabbed Loki's hand and he felt the magic wash through him again. Slowly he felt himself partly being lifted out of his body and he saw himself lying on the bed, a yellow aura surrounding him. As he looked closely at his head the layers of skin and brain slowly peeled away for his eyes. Nothing gruesome to look at, there was no blood or anything, just the magic zooming in on his brain and making it visible.

There, right to the left side of his head he saw it. I slight shimmer of a shard. As he focused on it he could feel its power. Definitely a shard of an Infinity Stone. 

Slowly the magic lifted and Loki hang there in the air, half in and half out of his body. For the first time since weeks he actually got a look at himself, but the person lying on the bed looked nothing like him. 

His skin was sickly white and blue veins were visible through his skin. The Jotun markings stood out, but they were such a dark shade of blue, they almost looked black. He was trapped between forms, showing both his Jotun and Aesir form.

Loki always had been lean, not a lot of muscle, or even fat, but the Loki on the bed was emaciated. His ribs protruding through his skin and his chest barely rose or fell when he breathed. He wondered how anyone looking like that could even be alive. 

But the most horrific thing were his eyes. They had sunken deep into his skull surrounded by a blue-blackish skin. The white of his eyes were bloodshot and the blue of his irises had a hard time showing through the red of his Jotun form. What struck him most were his pupils. Once so full of life, of mischief, but they had lost its sparkle and looked dull and dead. 

As he stared into his own pupils he saw something there. A shimmer, a flicker, something catching the light, he wasn't sure. Loki leaned closer to have a better look and then he saw it. Both of his pupils reflected a small image of a yellow shard, similar to the one in his brain. Suddenly a yellow color filled his entire vision and he was engulfed by it. Quickly the yellow turned darker until his vision was filled with black and Loki fell into the darkness. 

 

With a jolt Loki woke up, sitting in his bed, sweat trickling down his spine. He looked at his hands and they seemed normal, just his Aesir skin, no blue veins, no markings. 

Come to think of it, he actually felt fine. Well, except for the fact that his heart was trying to slam its way out of his chest, but otherwise fine. He didn't feel tired, he was a little bit hungry, but he didn't feel weak. 

Quickly he got out of bed and walked to the mirror. His reflection showed he also looked fine, not emaciated, just his normal self. A sigh of relief escaped him. Had everything been just a dream? A dream within a dream? A laugh filled with disbelief escaped his lips and he breathed heavy, leaned on his knees, still overtaken by shock. It all had felt so real.

He straightened up and looked in the mirror again. This weird dream, or series of events, whatever it was, had to mean something. Loki closed his eyes and drew on his magic, searching his brain for something that might not belong there. But there was nothing. Just normal as things should be.

Just before he wanted to release his magic, something got his attention. He'd almost missed it but as he reached for the place it came visible. Right there, on the base of his neck, right above the left collarbone, he felt the weak energy of an Infinity Stone. He released his magic and brought his fingers up to the place. It was barely noticeable, but under his skin he could feel a small bump. Was it a shard of an Infinity Stone? Or maybe something else?

He rubbed his finger over the bump, making sure it wasn't a trick of his mind. But it was definitely there, and whatever was underneath his skin, it didn't belong there. 

He summoned one of his knives and carefully slit open the skin of the lump. Even more carefully he digged in with the knife, ignoring and not caring about the pain. He had been through worse anyways.

The tip of the blade scraped against something, he could hear it in his skull. With the tip of the blade he tried to lodge it out there but it wouldn't comply.

Loki let go of the knife, a clattering sound and a few blood drops splattered when it hit the floor. 

With his fingers Loki carefully dug in the wound. There! He had it! He took out a small shard of stone covered in blood, the slight pulse of power radiating from it. He could feel it. This was definitely the shard of an Infinity Stone. A malicious laugh escaped his lips. The things he could do with a shard of a Mind Stone! The possibilities were endless. Maybe he finally could get what he wanted. 

He rubbed the shard between his fingers and brought it up in front of his face to have a better look.

The grin evaporated from his face and was replaced by a look filled with astonishment.

As the light reflected of the shard, Loki could clearly see the glistening color of the shard... Green.


End file.
